hating the holidays

i think i have finally realized why this christmas, i have been such a scrooge.
i feel like a complete loser, and this is how i look to other people.
sure, we all say we don't care what people say, that is bologna.

i see friends from school, church, and teachers and they are all like "oh, HEYY, home for christmas break??" and i have to tell them, "oh no, i am a loser and didn't go to college", basically trying to joke about it, even tho i am completely being honest. it sucks. finding your way in the real world, blows. i have a part time job, i'm over-weight, TECHNICALLY, "OBESE" and am not attending school. people love to dish out advice, and i appreciate it, but stop. please. it drives me up a wall.

i make a decision every day, and i question it all the time. now that i look at where i am now, maybe i should have gone to school, SOMEWHERE. probably the biggest regret of my young life.

on top of the shit-sundae that is currently my life, one of my plans that seemed set in concrete, changed. and now i am forced to switch gears. sucks big hairy toes.

i am a self-hating, baby. plain and simple. i have to put my feelings like this, otherwise, my mind won't attempt to make a change.
SO WHAT if all if do is whine, i didn't ask for your pity, and never will i. life has hit me like a ton of bricks, but guess what, i'm still smiling.